Grieving is a Process

Grief is weird. Like when you think of grief, you think of somebody who has died or someone has lost their job. But grief runs so much deeper than that.

I’ve been grieving pretty hard, a lot lately. I’ve been grieving the loss of the life that I had dreamed for myself. I do know that this is a normal psychological response to what’s happening with my body and that many, if not all, chronically ill people, go through this process. But sometimes, it’s just really hard to just admit that my body isn’t what it used to be. It’s hard to realize that even though I am a healthy LOOKING 32-year-old woman, I am far from that.

Sometimes I’m scared, if I’m brutally honest. I’m scared of what my future looks like. I’m scared of how much my body and my health will continue to decline before we have answers. And when I say answers, I mean solid, definitive answers. Not just a doctor guessing at what the cause of the symptoms may be because it’s not something that looks obvious on any tests or scans.

At this point, all I really want is just the ability to walk again. I want to not be a fall risk. I would give almost anything to be able to just get on a bike and go on a bike ride with my kids again. I used to have dreams of one day running a marathon. Now, at this point, I have accepted that I will probably never run again. HOWEVER, if I can regain the ability to walk, I will find a marathon that allows walkers and I will walk every bit of that 26.2, because I haven’t given up on that marathon dream just yet.

I think one of the worst parts of it really is just not being able to have control over my own circumstances. Because when you’re chronically ill or limited the way I am you have to depend on other people. You have to just hope that people will be there for you. I’ve been lucky enough that I do have people like that in my life. I do have people that I can trust and depend on…but unfortunately not everyone has that same type of support system.

Grief is hard because grief doesn’t end. This is something I’ve been struggling with for years. Each time I lose another ability, for something that I have always done on my own, each time I have a new symptom that no one can solve, it takes a toll on me. Each time a new symptom pops up and changes my ability to function on my own, my heart aches just a little bit more and the grieving process starts all over again.

Grieving is a process. No matter what you’re grieving. It’s not something just happens once and then you’re good and you’re over it and healed. Grieving is painful and it’s messy. Grieving happens over and over and over again. Grieving happens on a daily basis. Sometimes for days or weeks or even months. There’s no timeline on grief.

But the purpose of grieving, is being able to accept this new reality for what it is. This is not what I wanted. This is not at all what I had planned for my life to look like. But this is what it is. And it’s on me to make the best of it.